Thursday, July 07, 2005

Feelings of fear

Sometimes I wonder what Allah has planned for me..

I often start thinking of the various possibilities that could happen in the future and scare myself sick with all these imaginations.

For those who have known me for years, they would understand why I am all paranoid.. thanks to my "colourful" dramatical history, I seem to re-live it in my mind..

Every morning when I wake up I look over to Zairul and thank Allah so much for making Zairul my husband and having him beside me every morning.

I feel sad at times because of the pregnancy problems that I have gone through. My inlaws have given me so much, the least I could do for them is give them a baby they could play with. I see it in Zairul's eyes as well when he plays with children. They adore him. But I, like him, long to see him hold his own child and for the child to call him "Babah" and run to him for help when they have a scratch or want to go to the toilet..

That's what I really want. For him to be happy. I am really sad. Is this a test or a punishment for some things that I did in my life? I know that despite this I am really blessed with a lot of pleasures in life but this is one thing that pulls be far and deep into that black hole and I sometimes don't know when I can ever come out.

I don't feel like talking to anyone about this because it's a never ending story.. It's the same anyway you put it. I try to tell myself that I shouldn't feel this way. I should be more positive but sometimes the memories of hurt and anger pops up and the fear starts to fill my heart and eventually convince my mind and BOOM!!!

Ya Allah, berilah aku kesabaran and kekuatan..


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