Monday, August 09, 2004

If only..

If only our baby was still with us..

Yesterday, I carried little Khaira Nafisa in my arms as her mummy went to have her bath. Khaira was really cuddly and for the first time Nadia let me hold her all by myself.. Actually its the first time I actually was confident enough to carry her. Khaira is almost 1 month old and her body has toughened up since she was born. Holding the baby sent some funny feelings through me. The kind, I suppose, only mothers know.

It was weird holding Khaira but it felt really nice. I was having fun until I saw my dear husband look at me when I was carrying her. He looked as if he was happy yet sad to see me carrying a baby, a baby which is not ours. I almost cried. I wanted to scream but instead I just ignored it because I wasnt sure how he was feeling. I thought I was imagining things.

On the way home, I mentioned to Zairul that I felt a little sad when I held Khaira. It was then when Zairul told me that had been feeling a little strange himself. I was really sad. Deep down inside we still miss Muhammad Hisham but we have been trying our best to cope with his lost. I suddenly realise that I still hurt and grief but always push it aside in order to move on. I guess even fathers have that "feeling" that mothers seem to have..

If only you were still here. But you are in a better place.

Baby Muhammad, Mummy and Babah still misses you..


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