Gone Too Soon

I was shocked to wake up to such sad news of the sudden passing of a music legend. I may not have been the most loyal fan i.e. not buying ALL his albums but I certainly memorised probably 95% of his songs.

I grew up listening to his songs and watching my siblings dance to his moves. I never judged him even though lots of vicious gossips were spread about him. I just loved his songs..

My secret relief was when I read about him converting to Islam. What a wonderful piece of news. For the first time today, I read the news of his conversion here. Well at least, if I doa for him, it may reach him..

Today I spent the day going through a whole list of old and new songs and telling stories to my niece on all the lovely memories of these songs during the times they were released.

I am lucky that I had the chance to watch him perform at the MCG in Melbourne back in November 1996. I went to watch the fantastic concert with my best Indonesian mates; and I'm sure they're talking about that glorious night too.



Now, I will keep my concert t-shirt and the ticket stub as if my life depended on it.

Al-Fatihah to Mikaeel Abdullah @ Michael Jackson..

My surprise Baby Shower..

Zairul and Nellie organised a simple and beautiful Baby shower for me on Sunday.

I still have a smile on my face when I remember the do. I was simply beautiful. Nell posted about it on her blog, click here to see the post which Nell wrote.

Thanks B, for organising.

Thanks Nell, for planning and orchestrating the whole do.

I love you both for making me really happy that day.

Being A Mother..

This eye-tearing email came through to me today, as if "someone" up there is reminding me to be thankful for being able to experience being a mom.

"Being A Mother"
by Dale Hanson Bourke

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually
mentions that she and her husband are thinking of
"starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says,
half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my
tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends,
no more spontaneous vacations.."

But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her-I
want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth
classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of
child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will
leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will
forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a
newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?"
That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will
wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child
die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit
and think that no matter how sophisticated she is,
becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level
of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!"
will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal
without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she
has invested in her career, she will be professionally
derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare,
but one day she will be going into an important business
meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell.
She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to
keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all
right.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no
longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to
go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's
will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the
midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues
of independence and gender identity will be weighed
against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking
in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will
second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my
attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually
she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never
feel the same about herself. That her life, now so
important, will be of less value to her once she has a
child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her
offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years,
not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child
accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch
marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change,
but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could
understand how much more you can love a man who is
careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to
play with his child. I think she should know that she
will fall in love with him again for reasons she would
now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel
with women throughout history who have tried to stop
war and prejudice. I hope she will understand why I
can think rationally about most issues, but become
temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of
nuclear war to my children's future. I want to
describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing
your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture
for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching
the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I
want her to taste the joy that is so real, it
actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that
tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it,"
I finally say and then I reach across the table, squeeze
my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her,
and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who
stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
This blessed gift . . ..that of being a Mother.


Thanks Alys for sending this to me. It brought tears to my eyes..

An ending and a beginning

Today marks the day I have dreaded for the past few months.. the day my "right-hand" woman a.k.a my maid, Mar, goes home for good.

She's been with us since 2004 and has cared for me and my family, actually the whole family (my inlaws). But the most important years was those with Syakirah.

She took excellent care of Syakirah. Bathing, feeding, playing, putting Syakirah to sleep and nursing her back to health when she was sick.

As a first time mother and a person who had no clue on how to care for babies and a young child, Mar taught me valuable tips in caring and raising children.

I cant help but feel very sad. Maybe she has pampered me all these years. But actually more for my beloved Kiki.

I could already see the sadness in her eyes this morning when she woke up and did not get to see her Kak Mar.. She had a worried look on her face and tears rolled down her cheeks. I know and feel her pain. We both truly depended on Kak Mar.

Mar, wherever you are, thank you for everything you have done for us. Hopefully, kalau ada rezeki, after you have settled your kids and life back in Indonesia, you will be able to come back and live with us again.

As the chapter with Mar ends, today also marks the beginning of another chapter in my life as a "full-time" mum. No dont worry, I havent stopped work, but on Medical Leave waiting for the arrival of my little boy, InsyaAllah.

All I hope is that Allah will find me a great help, similar to Mar, to help me care and raise Kiki and the new baby..

Being Sentimental..

I sometimes wonder if being sentimental is a crime??? ...

I've always been the kind to carefully keep my things in pristine conditions, pack it nicely and arrange it in a box, all labelled and marked properly.. So that in ten years to come, when I need it again, it will be EXACTLY where I kept it and hopefully in the same mint conditions.

I remember my first bad experience for being sentimental and too protective of my posessions, I fought with Najee and he broke the very thing that I was trying to protect.

It was the school holidays and I had just come from Mama's house and she had given me lots of lovely toiletries for me to use, enough until the next time I get to meet her. This particular thing was this shampoo which I really liked. Najee threatened to pour it out. I yelled at him not to and instead of giving it back to me, he threw the bottle and broke it and of course, I didnt get to keep nor use it at all. It was devastating. I can tell you I cried for days. Not for the broken shampoo bottle, but the fact that it was given to me by mama. It was precious. He didnt know that then. But in time, Najee learnt my ways.

You see, I take good care of all things given to me. Especially if it marks important occassions in my life and from people who really mean a lot to me. Sometimes these things act as a pacifier in times when I'm sad and lonely and even if I miss the person. These lovely gifts remind me of happy memories and makes me feel better.

I know in Islam, its not encouraged to hang on to worldly things but in my case, I keep them for a reason. If I get to use these things to the end of its life, I feel satisfied and glad that I got to use it for whatever reason. But often, I dont get that opportunity. Read along and you'll see what I mean..

Over the years I have kept lots of things. Those I list down are just the tip of the iceberg. I have lots of things I have "collected" over the years ranging from little hair pins to huge items like rocking chairs, pianos and chests all hand-me-downs from my grandmother, mama and my sister.

One of the earliest heartaches was when my real mother gave away all my toys. Yes, ALL my toys. You'd probably be thinking, SO WHAT? Well you see, these were not just ordinary toys. They were bought by my elder brother, Najee. After the fight, he realised how I took notice and importance in my things. So he bought me lots of soft toys (SNARF, ALF, Smurf etc.) All non existent now. He knew that. He bought them because he knew I would keep it for years and when it really mattered it will still be around.

He also bought me Barbie dolls, Ken dolls and ALL the accessories which a little girl could only dream off. I had the works - the spa, the cat, the dining set, the kitchen, the bedroom etc. All we needed was the house. But it was shortlived, mum had given it all away. He was upset, I was devastated. The strange part is mum kept all HIS toys but gave all mine away.. Well that was the end of one part of my life. Toys from my brother, who saved up each holiday to get these things for me.. When I see Kiki's toys today, I can only remember the lovely toys which Najee had gotten me, but only I will know what it felt like to own them.

I had to learn to let go. I had to get over it, and I guess I did but not 100%, maybe only 90. I still wish I had it, now that I have kids. I still have a few soft toys which I bought in Melbourne in 1994 which I can proudly let Syakirah play with.. Let me tell you the sense of pride, that I managed to save it for my own daughter to play, is out of this world.

IN between there were many other same experiences which involved family members, wedding gifts and lots more, too many to tell and not significant enough to mention.

One particular one I'd like to mention is during my confinement in 2004. I had just lost a son and I was in pantang. I was living with my inlaws and the house was being renovated. So we had to pack our things into boxes and store it so that it wouldnt get damaged by the dust and easier to move about. Since I had just gone through a really sad period in my life, I didnt pay much attention to where these boxes were located until one fine morning when I discovered that the house maid was using MY GUCCI HANDBAG!!! Imagine that!! And this bag was a wedding gift for my hantaran from Zairul. One of my first luxury gifts from my husband and one of the first designer thing that I owned in my life.

After much investigation, I discovered that the maid had taken ALL my bags, including a few other Gucci's and Fendi's and other bags. I was very very upset. I kept it in the box to protect it, but yet someone else took it.

Can you see now why, I am starting to wonder if I should even bother to keep stuff in pristine conditions while other people just take it and RUIN it???

It hurts. You go through deep efforts to keep it, save it for later use and in the end all in vain. Not because you were careless, but just not lucky enough. I guess kalau Melayu - Takde Rezeki.. Yahh easier said than done.. Especially when you have further plans for the things you keep.

I have a baju kurung - batik print - my raya baju in 1991, which I kept so well, that I can wear it now to work.. That's the part I feel happy, because, after it being kept I can now wear it, still enjoy wearing it and flaunt it.. AND the best part is ONLY I still have it. Chances are no one else will have the same. And now kalau baju tu rosak pun, I dont care, sebab it has already served me VERY well.

I do also have some things which I have kept tapi in the end I dont get to use, like some of my shoes which I bought in Australia. I have big feet and some lovely dinner shoes, I found in Melbourne, just couldnt stand the test of time and would just deteriorate in our hot weather. So sometimes I loose too..

I have also benefited from the same practices of Mama and Kakak. They're somewhat like me. Maybe in order of most chronic to less, 1st is Mama, then me and then Kakak. But bottom line, we like to keep expensive and practical stuff for years, in the event we may need them in the future. May be not for our use but may be for someone else.

Right now, I am enjoying Najla's cot, playpen, stroller, high chair and car seat. As young parents, these things helped ease the financial burdens and headache of having to go look for one and to choose from the endless options available out there. These items were carefully selected, based on safety, quality and usefulness. And I am able to use them again even after 15 years!! Something I would like to carry on.

Mama has even saved my food grater of which she used to make my baby food! And that was 34 years ago!!! I have it. I can still use it. She passed it to me and said I should use it for Kiki, for old times sake. I know how proud she was when she passed it to me. I was very happy when I got it because, I knew exactly how she felt when she passed it to me for safekeeping. She's even saved her wedding dinner set for us to use when we move and that was way back in 1960!!

Alas, lately, I have witnessed a lot of things I keep or have kept, all being destroyed due to improper care. I guess this is what happens when you rely on others to care for your things. By the time you realise it, its gone. And you cant get upset because to others, its just a thing. Tak boleh bawak mati. I wish people could understand. I hope my kids, at least, will understand and will follow in my footsteps..

I long to live in our own house and display and use all these things that Ive kept for the last 10-15 years.. At least I get to use them, instead of someone else destryoing them or letting it face the test of time..

So my question again, does it pay to be sentimental?

Sometimes I dont feel it does. Especially when I "loose" the things I keep. But then again it's a habit I cant remove. I still have it in me that whenever I go shopping, whatever I buy can and will last up to when I can show it to my grandchildren, and they will go WOW!!! Bestnya!!

Room Service???

I have been virtually "locked" up in a one-bedroom suite somewhere in Bangsar..

I have lots of lovely "angels" serving me, while I pill pop and sleep all day..

I have a little boy who loves to kick me from the inside..

I have a backache..

I miss my Kiki and my BIG baby...

I want to go home.. *sigh*

Condolences to Sue Ann and family

I received a call from Nell and sms from Sharir informing me of the sad episode that had befallen Sue Ann's family late last Friday night.

My deepest condolences to you Sue dearie.

I cant imagine what you're going through. Whatever it is you know we'll be there whenever you need us. Take care.

Lots of love,