i want..

.. my husband to talk to me
.. him to tell me how he's feeling
.. him to tell me how he feels about me
.. him to call me so that I can hear his voice
.. to let him know how much I'm missing him
.. to see his smile
.. his hugs
.. to hold his hand
.. a strong medicine to get rid of my cough
.. to get over my grief of losing my sons
.. to move into our own home
..

but most of all, i want.. a baby

Birthdays and Anniversaries

HAPPY 20th ANNIVERSARY Kakak and Abang..
Congratulations for surviving it all these years..

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY Ella and Nash,
May Allah bless you 30 times more all year long..

-------

I hope I will be able to achieve what my sister and her husband have achieved. I can bet that it wasnt easy to get there.. But they stuck with each other through thick and thin..

-------

Day 3

My dear rock is still a big boulder.. He still doesnt want to talk to me. I sure dont feel like trying to talk him out of it and I dont think he wants to do it either.

So it goes on.. He keeps quiet and I keep feeling hurt and keep thinking about it.
I really miss him. Even though he's around, it's not the same when he "crawls" into his cave.

I remember reading the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" dating book sometime back when I was single, the book said that when a man crawls into his cave, leave him there and wait until he comes out of it on his own.. Oh Boy I wonder how long this "visit" to the cave will take..

Sayang, if you ever read this, please know that it hurts when you go into your cave and leave me alone outside wondering if you are okay or if I did something wrong to send you in there. I feel helpless. I cant help you or be there for you when you do that. I wish you could bring yourself to come to me or talk to me if you had any problems or worries on your mind.

Remember, I married you because I love you and for who you are. I would never judge you otherwise.

Rock turned boulder

Day 2

He still hasn't said a word to me. He refuses to talk to me, have dinner with me or even be in the same room with me. Gosh!! this is really tiring.

I love him very much but at times like these I wonder whether I have enough patience to keep quiet anymore. If I were to say something during this "rock" period, he will never ever come out of the "cave" that he is in right now.

I feel really frustrated. If he has trouble at work, can't he just tell me instead of treating me like this? Well I suppose its easier for a husband to do this to the wife because she has to submit herself to the husband and has to accept his ways no matter what. But they wont ever do it to their friends because they are afraid of loosing the friendship. I think in a guy's life, friends are more important than the spouse.

He did mention once that he has no best friends as he doesnt like to group his friends that way. I was sad because he doesnt even consider me as one of his closest confidants. I am just a wife.

Right now I feel like a kid, trying to win the "friendship" of someone. It's tiring and its irritating. If I did or said something wrong tell me, I cant figure it out. I have been trying to think of what I said or did that has made him turn to this boulder that he is but I cant seem to find out where or which part!!

Ya Allah give me patience to face this..

Supportive or not..

Zairul returned from his old boys weekend meet in Kuala Kangsar last night. I was ecstatic and thankful that he had arrived safely after a tiring day and a 2 hour drive back.

However, from what I experienced last night, I dont think it was the same for him..

There wasnt a smile, a kiss or a hug (a sign that a spouse missed the other) that greeted me when he walked through the door. Instead what I got was a smirk. The kind of look that said " I'm tired, I don't want to talk and I'm irritated". Fine..

I just asked him if he needed help to carry stuff in and I went straight upstairs fearing that my presencec there would make him even grouchier than he already was. I left him to carry on with whatever he wanted to do.

Deep down inside though I felt a little sad that I didnt get to see his smile and get a great hug from him which I missed all weekend long..

Upstairs, I guess, he tried to make up for it by presenting me with a t-shirt he had gotten me. He also showed me a shirt which he had bought for himself. I thanked him and continued doing my own thing. Thats when he started talking about these rings that his Old Boys Association had made.

At that point, seeing that he had already spent a lot of money on the merchandise he had just shown me, I just said "cukup-cukuplah tu..". As in maybe the ring is unnecessary, he immediately put on this " I'm pissed" look and said "TAK SUPPORTIVE LANGSUNG" and stormed away looking hurt..

I was stunned. Not supportive he says??!!! Wanna bet!! Shall I list down the many times I was? If I did would you acknowledge that I was supportive? I dont think so..

I waited up. I prayed that he would arrive home safely. I never said a word about him going to this meet and about him not inviting me to go along.

On Friday night after my office dinner which he attended, we had to go home early because he had to pack and rest for the trip. I helped him pack as well..

We had this office dinner but I arrived late. Why? Because he arrived home at 8pm after sending his car to the car wash. Dinner started at 730pm and we arrived there at 9pm. But I couldnt get upset. I wanted him to come. Get upset and he'll not go to the dinner, Keep quiet and he'll take his own sweet time. I never do that!!!

But you see this is it with guys.. We women try our best to please them but it's never enough.

Men - Cant live with them, cant live without them

TGIF!!

I am so glad Friday is here..

Tonight I will be attending the Mengo's Appreciation Dinner with Zairul..

Hope this weekend will be great seeing that I will be spending it with Mama since Zairul will be going for the MCKK Old Boys weekend with his friends..

Hectic weekend..

The weekend was hectic :-( but extremely fun :-)

Friday 150705

It started off in the morning, I took leave to help Yong prepare the power point presentation for the dinner. We worked all day and took a break for pocho-pocho practise. I got a little drowsy after taking the cough medicine and took a 1hour nap before we started doing the presentation again. We stopped at 2am only because we couldnt even click on the right buttons anymore..

Saturday 160705

We were at Yong's again in the morning to go for rehearsal at Concorde Shah Alam. Babah didn't know we were going there. We told him that we were off to look for a new shirt for the dinner.

All Zairul's siblings and Najee arrived for the rehearsal. I tested the LCD Projector and Alhamdulillah everything worked. BY the time we were done, it was 5pm.

Zairul and I arrived home at 6pm and left Kelana Jaya at 7pm.

I straight away prepared to assemble all the equipment for the video show but to my horror the LCD projector showed a green screen instead of the normal blue. Eda and Zairul tried to help and in the end Zairul passed me the cake box on the table and we selitkan the box under the cable.. and it worked!! Now we just had to pray that the box stayed there throughout the party.

Alhamdulillah the party went really well.. Although I must say I was equally as nervous as the performers because I didnt want to stuff up the video show!!

My inlaws were mesmerised by all our performances. As Babah put it he was in a daze especially when Neena and Piah sang "Yesterday Once More" and when Yong sang "Kaulah Segalanya" accompanied by Yad on violins, Kashfi on electric guitar, Najee on drums, Faizal on bass guitar and Ayie and Zaman on keyboards.








The night ended with a fun dance called "pocho-pocho". All those who had attended the classes before the dinner were itching to dance and no matter how cramped the dance floor was we all managed to fit in, and to add to the fun, even our dance instructor was dancing with us!! Eda was the best student - she danced right from the start to the end!!





The night ended at around 3am with lots of stories to share the next day..


Sunday 170705

We were so tired.. We only got up at 12pm. Then we went straight to see our new house. The house is almost ready and Zairul and I are really excited to see it.

After that we went to Yong's to have lunch and meet up with Chip who had just returned from Umrah. Yet another party..

Later that evening, Zairul went to a tahlil for a friend's brother who died last Thursday of a heart failure at 29. Innallillahhi wa innailahirojiun..

I stayed home and watched 3 episodes of CSI..

Finally the weekend came to an end..

-------

To Najah and Fische, Congratulations on the news!! May Allah look after your baby and keep it safe in it's mummy's tummy.. :-)

Tok in hospital

Kesian Tok.

She was admitted to DSH yesterday for her operation this morning. I hope everything will go well. Mama is there with her to keep her company. Maybe petang nie nak pegi jumpa Tok kejap.

Last night Mummy had her mengaji night. My inlaws had changed their mengaji night so that it doesn't coincide with mummy's but the ustaz at mummy's decided that he wanted to come last night. I am very emabarrassed that this happened. I wish they knew how bad I feel about all this.

On another note, I have silently decided that I don't want to think and discuss the umrah trip anymore. I don't want to be disappointed.

Kalau pegi Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak, well tak de rezeki (an excuse I find which is overly conveniently used to avoid unresolved issues)..

delayed telecast..

Some time back I went through a tough time deciding whether we should go to Umrah or not due to our financial standings. I had a small argument with my husband concerning our commitments and going to umrah and decided that we shouldn't be going to Umrah. At that point he told me not to be negative and think positive because "I am confident we can save next year".

Tiba-tiba, I hear "I am concerned about spending our savings on Umrah" from him today.. OOOIIIII hari tu kan I dah cakap tapi you tak dengar ke?!!!!!!

I have gotten over it. I have spoken to his entire family and mine as well, and everybody thinks that we should go nonetheless. InsyaAllah there will be more rezeki for us. NOW, I have to go through this again?

Ah well here we go again..Now its going to look as if I am the one who wants to "empty" out our savings..

Talk about delayed telecast.. I suppose it just hit him..

Party on!!

Oh boy.. another party is on the way..

Since I have been married we have at least 2 parties a month.

Next Saturday my inlaws will be celebrating 45 years of marriage. A wonderful achievement nowadays given that these days when men have a title or are a bit higher placed in the society, they often have failed marriages or have just added on their quotas with young ladies the age of their daughters.

My dear parent-inlaws have been in love since their childhood. I am sure they have gone through lots of troubles with 5 children and working for the king and all, but their love and perserverence has helped them survive these modern day problems that break marriages by upholding their love for one another.

I know that my mother-inlaw's faith in the religion has really helped save and strenghten her marriage and her family. She is also a woman of patience and sweetness.

Even my husband thinks that he has learnt to be a good husband / person from her example. Alhamdulillah..

My father-inlaw is a person who is kind hearted and always helpful. A trait I see in all his children and grandchildren.

I for one am blessed to be given this oppurtunity to feel the love from my inlaws like a "normal" set of parents since having a complete set of parents to go home to is a bit alien in my fanily..

I think that even my husband's sibling's spouses feel the same way I do about my inlaws.

-----

On another happy note 2 lovely princesses are a year older today.

Miss Najla Darwishah is 11 today.

Miss Khaira Nafisa Mohd. Fuad is 1 today.

AND little Miss Zedrene Zuhairah Zamanhuri will be 4 tomorrow.

Happy birthday dearies!!

------


To Babah and Mama, thank you for being there during our saddest and happiest times. Thank you for the support and advice. Thank you for accepting me the way I am and thank you for loving me like one of your own.

May your love be as deep as the ocean and your troubles be as light as its foam..

May Allah bless the both you with health, wealth and happiness for as long as you live.

We both love you with all our hearts.. even Yoba.

Happy 45th Anniversary.

Feelings of fear

Sometimes I wonder what Allah has planned for me..

I often start thinking of the various possibilities that could happen in the future and scare myself sick with all these imaginations.

For those who have known me for years, they would understand why I am all paranoid.. thanks to my "colourful" dramatical history, I seem to re-live it in my mind..

Every morning when I wake up I look over to Zairul and thank Allah so much for making Zairul my husband and having him beside me every morning.

I feel sad at times because of the pregnancy problems that I have gone through. My inlaws have given me so much, the least I could do for them is give them a baby they could play with. I see it in Zairul's eyes as well when he plays with children. They adore him. But I, like him, long to see him hold his own child and for the child to call him "Babah" and run to him for help when they have a scratch or want to go to the toilet..

That's what I really want. For him to be happy. I am really sad. Is this a test or a punishment for some things that I did in my life? I know that despite this I am really blessed with a lot of pleasures in life but this is one thing that pulls be far and deep into that black hole and I sometimes don't know when I can ever come out.

I don't feel like talking to anyone about this because it's a never ending story.. It's the same anyway you put it. I try to tell myself that I shouldn't feel this way. I should be more positive but sometimes the memories of hurt and anger pops up and the fear starts to fill my heart and eventually convince my mind and BOOM!!!

Ya Allah, berilah aku kesabaran and kekuatan..

Not pregnant..

Phew!!! Dont know whether to be relived of sad but for the time being I am relieved that I am not pregnant but am worried because I havent got IT yet!!!!

is it coming?

My period is 5 days late.. under normal circumstances it would mean that I am pregnant. We have been careful but I guess not careful enough. I tested on Sunday but it was -ve. I am a month away from the actual time I can start being pregnant again. It's kind of worrying...

Well Insya Allah all will go well. We'll see what Dr. idris has to say this afternoon..