Reflections on my experiences..
Dear Baby Muhammad,
Today would have been your expected birthday. I hope that you are happy among the angels now. Your Babah and I miss you dearly. You are forever in our hearts and in our thoughts.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
Mummy
It's exactly 2 and a half years since I got married. I still remember the beautiful day, how nervous I was, how the house smelt of pandan leaves mixed with rosewater, the decorations and flowers on the dias, the hantarans (gifts) for the groom arranged neatly in the lounge, my wedding kebaya,the henna drawings on my hands and feet, the room decorated in blue, how it rained so heavily before everyone arrived, how the groom's entourage come late as they had to wait for one of their main guests, how my father, Najee and Yat had to move furniture around to make space for the guests, the blue canopy outside, the little blue presents for the guests which were distributed by Syi and Nadia who at that time were not married to my brothers yet but helped out a lot by distributing these gifts to the guests (thanks!!), the bouquet that Alice made from scratch, my friends who carried all 11 of my gifts down from upstairs, Abang Darwish and Ayie as our witnesses, Saba was pregnant with Shafika, the whole family in grey, the wedding ceremony itself carried out by my father and finally how handsome my husband looked when he came to slip the ring on my finger. Oh how happy I was. Alhamdulillah, the wedding was something I had a major part in planning and despite a few quarrels here and there it was a beautiful yet simple wedding. Just as I had always wanted it to be...
Last night we attended Zairul's cousin, Farhan's, wedding. He looked extremely calm and very ready to recite his wedding vows very very confidently. No matter what the tok kadi asked him he had an answer. After he recited the vows, I almost cried. The bride, Intan, looked absolutely gorgeous. She wore a white with red flowers baju kurung with matching shoes. She had red and white-gemed cucuk sangguls on her hair and she wore ruby and diamond jewellery. We were so happy for them. They looked so happy.
From last nights experience I guess when my children get marreid, I would make a very sobby mother of the bride or groom because the emotional overload was a bit too much for my eyes to bare. I was teary eyed when the tok kadi read out the doa. It was a simple ceremony yet it meant the world to the couple and their families. We now have another "arm" added to the family tree. I truly love weddings. Although preparations are horrible but weddings, I must say are one of my favourite functions to plan for..
To Farhan and Intan, may Allah bless you with lots of love and rezeki. To Intan, welcome to the family. I hope we'll get to know you better.
I wonder if anyone has been approached by direct level marketers as many times as they have approached me. I suppose I would need to carry a sign that says "I am not interested"to stop people from approaching me.. I know they mean well but I have no interest and skills in this area.
Some of those that have approached me have great systems but let me tell you the registration fees to join these things are a killer! I know that you have to put in some capital i.e. invest to reep the benefits later but I have close to zero skills and interest in forcing or pestering someone to join in via me asking them. Its almost like forcing them to do it and they would need to oblige because you are a friend.
I dont like the idea that later they wouldnt want to meet up for fears I might want to promote another MLM idea..
Although I have been approached many times, I have yet to acquire the skills to say NO I'M NOT INTERESTED..
It all sounds good that you can reep the benefits by just giving a head start and letting everyone carry on after you but everyone has already joined the race so wouldnt you be redundant?
If only our baby was still with us..
Yesterday, I carried little Khaira Nafisa in my arms as her mummy went to have her bath. Khaira was really cuddly and for the first time Nadia let me hold her all by myself.. Actually its the first time I actually was confident enough to carry her. Khaira is almost 1 month old and her body has toughened up since she was born. Holding the baby sent some funny feelings through me. The kind, I suppose, only mothers know.
It was weird holding Khaira but it felt really nice. I was having fun until I saw my dear husband look at me when I was carrying her. He looked as if he was happy yet sad to see me carrying a baby, a baby which is not ours. I almost cried. I wanted to scream but instead I just ignored it because I wasnt sure how he was feeling. I thought I was imagining things.
On the way home, I mentioned to Zairul that I felt a little sad when I held Khaira. It was then when Zairul told me that had been feeling a little strange himself. I was really sad. Deep down inside we still miss Muhammad Hisham but we have been trying our best to cope with his lost. I suddenly realise that I still hurt and grief but always push it aside in order to move on. I guess even fathers have that "feeling" that mothers seem to have..
If only you were still here. But you are in a better place.
Baby Muhammad, Mummy and Babah still misses you..
I have been so occupied this whole week. It's good cause it kept me busy but I feel extremely exhausted physiclly and mentally.
Yesterday I went for an interview which was a disaster.. The company was hiring a Safety, Health and Environment Officer. Athough I have the qualifications to be an Environmental Officer, I dont have what it takes to become a Health and Safety Officer as I dont have the right certs to be one.. However, nowadays you cant just be an Environment Officer without being a Safety and Health Officer so there goes my chances of working in the field...
What made the interview horrendous was that the interviewers thought that since they worked for "the biggest and best" company in the world they are entitled to belittle a person. I realize that I had applied for the job while I was less qualified but if they didnt think I fit the criterias WHY did they call me in for the interview in the first place?
After telling the interviewers that I only wanted a minimal increment from my current pay as a result of not having enough experience in the Health and Safety field, one of them sarcastically blurted out "Oh, tahu pun experience tak cukup!!".
Eh.. kalau tak puas hati sangat dengan aku just tell me straight lah yang you dont want me to work for you, dont make it look as if I was DYING for the job..
So after that interview, I sort of decided that for the time being may be I shall stay in the NGO field for some time. At least they dont treat me like dirt when I dont know something..
Have a great weekend..
